I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
