Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
