Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
