how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
foreskin is a definite game changer
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
