one might say we're banned from that church
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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