I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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I need you to use more vowels.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
