I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
