Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
