So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
