Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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