Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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