Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
