so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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