new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
