I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
