He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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