I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
