alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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