Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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