Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
