No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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