i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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