so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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