with your own penis?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day