Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
