1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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