Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just google imaged poop.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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