He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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