This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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