Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
