woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
