He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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