i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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