what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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