Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
