I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
