I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
