just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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