You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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