we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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