We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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