If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
false alarm, still single
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