Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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