Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
