On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
