Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
