Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Welp...herpes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
