the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
