Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
