the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
