Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
