I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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