I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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