Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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