So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
