if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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