Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How external is "for external use only"?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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