well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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