Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
