She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say