Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
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He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.