You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.