Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
